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Joke thread

A bloke went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're
fired, and there is a summons for your arrest!" the boss exclaimed.

The bloke then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car
and he ran into a group of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the
collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out
that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance
ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw fire engines heading down his street.

On arriving at his house, he found that it was his house on fire. The fire chief said that it
was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he
found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled.

The bloke, now somewhat depressed, went into the local bar. He told the bartender
his story and the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime.
All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you
take this bucket, go up to Blueberry Hill, pick blueberries, and sell
them door to door."

Well, this sounded O.K. to the bloke, so off he went.

After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At
the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take
all his blueberries but would he mind coming around to the back door.
As the bloke got to the back door the woman opened it and she was naked.

The bloke just broke down and started crying. The woman was quite beside
herself and asked what the problem was. The bloke answered "I've lost my
job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my
money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now...
You're gonna screw me out of my damned blueberries."
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/BadDay.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
God's Gifts...
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just like the sort of thing a man would like to do. Please, please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooooooo cool. I could write my name in the sand and snow. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please, please!!"

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while, aaaaaahhhhh......

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "Hmmmm, what’s left here?" "Oh, yes, multiple orgasms, Eve?...."
 
Good one Lazarus. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
Yep, that would do it. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
A man’s walking down a country road and comes across a farmer and a pig with a wooden leg. He asks, “Hey, how’d your pig lose a leg?”

The farmer replies, “Well, let me tell you a story. I was workin’ under the tractor when the jack slipped, pinning me under. This here pig ran in, re-set the jack, lifted the tractor up and pulled me to safety.”

“Wow,” the man said. “So, did the pig have his leg crushed by the tractor? How’d he lose his leg?”

“Well, hold on” the farmer said, “Let me tell you another story. My daughter was out back swimming in the cement pond when she started to drown. This here pig dove in the pool, pulled her to safety, called 9-1-1 then gave her mouth-to-mouth until the paramedics arrived.”

“Really? That’s incredible! Did the pig strain himself while swimming? How did he lose his leg?”

“Well, just a minute, let me tell you another story. My family and I were sound asleep when the house caught on fire. This here pig rushed in, woke us up, drug my youngest to safety then helped man the fire hoses when the fire department got there.”

“No kidding? That’s amazing! So, was the pig burned in the fire? How the hell did he lose a leg?”

“Well,” the farmer finally drawled. “With as special a pig like he is, you don’t want to eat ‘em all at once.”
 
In breaking news:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Citing environmental concerns, Mayor Gavin Newsom issued an executive order prohibiting city departments from buying bottled water.

In a decision announced yesterday, Newsom says the ban will go into effect July first and extend to all city and county water coolers by December first.

A spokesman for the San Francisco public utilities commission says Newsom's decision will save tax payer money and combat global warming.


This is the perfect spot for stories like this...
 
why does it combat global warming? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" />
 
That's why it's posted in this thread...

Possibly due to the manufacture of the plastic bottle, but plastic has been recycled @80% in the US for at least a decade.

Some people just want to grab headlines.

But a funny joke, none the less...
 
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> Good one, Lazarus


<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/include.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/ATT01696.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<b>Warning Not For Minors:</b>

(Or any women with crazy ideas....)

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis with a knife and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 12 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup with a splat on the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 12 year old daughter to sex or violence at such a tender age, the father thinks for a moment and replies, "It was only a dragon fly, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Boy, that dragon fly sure had a big dick."
 
I did what you told me...
I sent the e-mail to 10 people like you said.
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen ..
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/get-attachment-2.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<i>Can't really see what's written on the screen, Morgan, but its not what I wrote. </i><img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dunno.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shrug" border="0" alt="dunno.gif" />


<i>Here's another:</i>

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
 
<img src="http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l133/meigger/mga05.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
 
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