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Joke thread

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piratesing.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock" border="0" alt="piratesing.gif" /> Ahh! Testicle removal? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_eek.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock:" border="0" alt="icon_eek.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sick.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":eww" border="0" alt="sick.gif" />
 
Three men and a woman are stranded on a deserted island.

After a week, the woman is so ashamed of what she's been doing she kills herself.

After another week, the men are so ashamed of what they've been doing... they bury the woman.

After another week, the men are so ashamed of what they've been doing... they dig her up again.

Also:

Q: What can you say to a poor, abused woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing...you've already told her twice...
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/tarzan.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks just like like in the movies. So I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place to save her. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "Your a lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Hmmm, I dunno replied the ugly man... I never did find her head"...

Also:

Q: What do you do if you see a Jihadi drowning?
A: Keep your foot on his head until he stops moving...
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/Moses.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning,
''Man, why you always so damn happy when you come
to work every day?''

Robert replied, ''Because I make love to my wife
every morning before work.''

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife
to make love to him every morning.

''That's easy,'' Robert said, ''I just tell her
this little poem that I made up.

She loves it! It goes like this: 'Blond hair,
blond hair, eyes so blue...I love waking up and
making love to you!''

Tyrone, amazed, said, ''Man, you white guys is
so dang sentimental and shit...''

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.
So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a
poem for his wife.

The next day Tyrone showed up to work all beat
to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip,
the works.

Robert asked, ''Man, what happened to you?!''

Tyrone said, ''I don't know, man. I went home
and tried your advice, that's all!

I just told her a poem...''

''Well, what poem did you tell her?''

Tyrone told him:

''Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...if I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/shitmypants.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<!--quoteo(post=272629:date=Aug 11 2008, 02:38 AM:name=Old Salt)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Old Salt @ Aug 11 2008, 02:38 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=272629"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/shitmypants.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> Good one! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/jerkoffsperm.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
Real life really is funnier than make-believe. True Story from Houston
Medical Center.

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut from his penis.
According to the attending nurse, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.



I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
 
What the? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/froglegs.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
 
An 89-year old man goes for a physical. All tests come back with normal results . The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, Poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, Poof, the light goes off."

Wow, that's incredible", says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel", he says, "George is doing fine". But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and Poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, Poof the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the fridge again!".
 
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny
are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'l l need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so
much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up
with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a few seconds, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />

That made up "God" is not the thing what created the universe. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/no.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":no" border="0" alt="no.gif" /> <a href="http://www.futureofmankind.co.uk/Billy_Meier/Creation#The_Creation" target="_blank">Creation</a> created the Universe NOT made up thing by humans which they worship.
The Universe is Creation's internal and external body. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/yes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":yes" border="0" alt="yes.gif" />
 
I have read ALL of that. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Satisfied? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_mrgreen1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheeky" border="0" alt="icon_mrgreen1.gif" />
 
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