My Life Right Now

[Pieter Boelen]

So let's see if we can summarize my life lately:

- Get a hurtful "diagnosis" shoved down throat done by a person *in training*, who proved to be unfamiliar with the contents of even the first few pages of the diagnostic manual. (I checked.) Zero actual contact with an actual person officially qualified to make such a diagnosis in the entire process. Diagnosis shared with physician in direct violation of my privacy declaration. Year later, physician *still* refuses to rectify this.

- Very nearly got banned from a fan community for giving honest feedback on the feedback channel after being repeatedly asked to provide feedback. Then when my feedback was immediately dismissed, clearly without any second (or even first) thought, I expressed my personal feelings about that without pointing flingers or blame; then got accused of breaking the rules by the main admin who DID make things personal (against me).

- Despite plenty adversity in the process, meeting a deadline at work to the best of my ability. Imperfect results, but given the number of sudden inexplicable bugs, any results at all could be considered a bonus.
Afterwards, seemed like I (*not* the responsible person) cared more about getting these bugs fixed than the people in charge.
Get told "my work was appreciated though", but "that it was too much for a novice like me" (Wheee! The patronizing!!).
Also get told by actual experts "they don't get it either".
Also get told by person A that person B did a useful thing; after checking with person B, he knew absolutely nothing about that.
Person in charge questioned something from the general template, which I then corrected, which might actually have been THE CAUSE of the whole debacle in the first place. (Soooo... Cause = bad advice directly *from* a person who should know best?)
Get told by some people the best way to get started is to "just talk to a lot of people". Subsequently effectively get told off by my boss "for talking to a lot of people".

- Got a #MeToo report from a good person I know, who seems to feel extremely unfree to divulge the details. I tried to find/create a safe space for her to discuss this. I also tried to find someone or somewhere to talk to about it myself (even through the little that I do know, I find it THOROUGHLY disturbing!).
Clearly this is a BIG problem and I cannot bear being unable to be part of the solution; because that makes me part of the problem.
Yet I find all doors closed; and alone I can do nothing.

- ACTUALLY got banned from another fan community (one where I had been a somewhat active contributor; and that I happened to have *named my sailboat after*) after getting accused of "Karen-ing" BY some person clearly doing so herself and, irony of all ironies, *actually being named Karen* (also a brand new member who barely made any contributions at all).
"Modmin" took action before having all facts available. Never explained his action towards me. His public wording strongly suggests he took actual pleasure in it. After being presented with the full picture, never bothered reconsidering.

- Find myself so stressed that both my usually very decent planning and language skills started failing. Tried finding help. Took 20 hours to find anyone to talk to at all; took 36 hours to reach a professional. Tried talking to family. Got accused of being selfish.
(For attempting to *re-find myself again* after clearly having been pushed so far, far away from my core that coping was failing...)
Had to cut connection with my own mum. Days later, she had "conveniently forgotten" what it she had actually said to me; even though it was basically on the same level as my father only a few years ago (while knowing full well I was stressed sick) declaring "Pieter, you have never been reasonable in your life".

- Got declared #1 villain *in my own community* about a film that I'm obviously not in (I'm not an actor). This one's probably supposed to be a joke?
But is it...? Is it really??
(I've been compared with Hitler before for... well... enforcing our really-quite-reasonable rules).
In any case, my usual sense of humour has definitely been shifting *rapidly* downhill.

- Got my contribution to a supposedly open-minded semi-religious group that prides itself on its lack of dogma judged as "irrelevant" before getting a chance to even talk about it in the full group.

Did I leave anything out?
(Spoiler alert: Yes. Yes, I did. Of course I did.)

But seriously, how much injustice is one person supposed to be able to cope with?
By himself?
With virtually no functional support?

"Oddly" enough, I've been feeling quite terrible for...
Well...
Let's just say a while.

But hey, I'm clearly painting myself the victim here. And that's not allowed! I am obviously the perpetrator. I have the power to make otherwise decent people treat me badly.
Because other people aren't accountable for their actions.
*I* am accountable for all other people.

Because I am a bad person.
And I deserve all this.

I am not allowed to feel stung or hurt or bad about any of this.

#ThisIsJustice
#NoEmpathyForPieter

 

[The Nameless Pirate]

So I feel like I have to tell you that if you need support I will continue trying to do my best.
I have no idea if I am actually good on this, chances are I am not good after all.
But I am trying my best and want to help, I also know that telling you just to be happy won't help.
Things just don't work like that.

Now, asside from the poll which didn't seem like something meant to harm you.
Though this was my gut instinct, and yours was the opposite, so we both could be wrong.
A way to test this would probably be making a poll about PotC 2, only this time I post it.
This may help somewhat indicate if this was indeed about you or not.
Unless if people view me also as a villain, which could very well be the case if someone has linked us and you are right.

Asside from this, let's get onto the other communities.
Far as I know this could have happened to anyone, since it has to do with how these communities are managed.
I am not telling you this to feel better because at least for me this doesn't make it any better. But it should be pointed out that you are indeed in the right for not liking this.

Now about work. It should be said that I haven't yet worked, so what I will say is from what I know for now.
Contradicting information, underappreciation while sugarcoating it, discrimination based on rank.
Yep, seem normal to me. Normal doesn't mean good of course.
Depending on where you work this may vary, but it's not the first time I am hearing of such things.
Remember something about higher ups not really having practical knowledge and experience? Well it leads to this.
To their eyes how can someone from x background know much about y? They didn't study it.
In practice though people can learn things even if they aren't in their original work.
For example I have learned a bit of modeling, texturing, and coding.
Yet for various reasons for the moment I am studying on a programing based academy.
This doesn't negate what I have learned on my spare time.
I don't have papers of course, and I don't expect people to start hiring easily without them. But you still shouldn't ignore your employees when they are onto something.

As for your family I would try to reason with them and let them know that you are hurt. Which is something you have done already I believe.
Unfortunately I don't know what else to do. @Cerez has had more experience with this than me.

Last but not least, telling that you are responsible for these actions is victim blaming. Unless if you have a completely personally towards other people than us at PA!, I am sure that you really are just trying to do good, even if some people don't see it.

It's gotten late so if I haven't replied to anything I think I had shared my thoughts clearly in the past, or at least clearer than what I can now.
If I am not right just tell me and I will further explain, it's also very probable that I will do it myself when I wake up.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

I also know that telling you just to be happy won't help.

"Just snap out of it".
*insert sarcastic laughter here*

Now, asside from the poll which didn't seem like something meant to harm you.
Though this was my gut instinct, and yours was the opposite, so we both could be wrong.
A way to test this would probably be making a poll about PotC 2, only this time I post it.

Might be a fun thing to do anyway.
Me just making every post by mesself... that ain't right.

Now about work. It should be said that I haven't yet worked, so what I will say is from what I know for now.
Contradicting information, underappreciation while sugarcoating it, discrimination based on rank.
Yep, seem normal to me. Normal doesn't mean good of course.
Depending on where you work this may vary, but it's not the first time I am hearing of such things.

My suspicion: it runs rampant bloody everywhere.
And anyone who notices and may be willing to try to change it is in deep, deep trouble.

Remember something about higher ups not really having practical knowledge and experience? Well it leads to this.

Or... that's basically the entire basis of the company I work for.
Brand new just-finished University students get hired immediately as Project Managers.
But anyone without a theoretical University degree is screwed by a "glass ceiling" that doesn't exist AT ALL on paper, but very much DOES in real life.
And the twisting and turning to keep that in place has been downright creepy at times.

The fact that I have 20(!) years of experience with computer-ey seafaring-ey stuff in an international context?
Completely meaningless.

4 years of Maritime Academy followed by 5 years actual experience at sea in what absolutely IS a management function?
Equally meaningless.

Having done a "Ship Management" course for my "Chief Mate License", which gives me infinitely more management knowledge than "theoretical University students"?
Even MORE meaningless.

Playing a "glorified computer" is all I seem to be good for.
And actual computers get more genuine respect because people KEEP insisting on NOT automating what CAN and SHOULD be automated;
and then trying to automate what can NOT be automated instead.
Then when I automate my own work in ways that help not only me but my colleagues too... that's somehow twisted into a BAD thing.

Nothing makes any shred of sense.
And nothing matters.

The lesson seems to be:
Keep the head DOWN.
The mouth SHUT.
Ideas to a MINIMUM (of ideally zero).

Last but not least, telling that you are responsible for these actions is victim blaming. Unless if you have a completely personally towards other people than us at PA!, I am sure that you really are just trying to do good, even if some people don't see it.

Victim Blaming is The World; and The World is Victim Blaming.
It's rampant beyond any and all belief.

"Oh, you've been hurt multiple times?
There's a correlation then between YOU and HURT.
And correlation implies causation.
You must be NARCISSISTIC!
Or AUTISTIC!
Or BOTH!!"

And so the only option to avoid yet further hurt is to hide the hurt.
Because showing it means you're putting yourself in the victim position.
Everybody knows that only the BAD sort of people ever show themselves in a victim position.

When Voldemort (from Harry Potter) says "there is only power and those too weak to seek it"...
He's not wrong.
He should be.
But he's not.