This I originally wrote to a friend and colleague of mine.
But he's asleep now and I don't wish to bother him.
How about I park it here instead; for other people's perusal?
-------------------------------------------------------------
I live in the world.
That world affects me.
How could it not?
*Trying* to change the world is one of the few things I COULD control.
I'd fail, of course. Certainly by myself. But it's something I *could* act towards.
Given my *wildly* varied perspectives, gained all over the bloody place, negotiating and helping different people understand each other might just be something I *could* end up accomplishing. I can understand SO many different sides to things.
But it doesn't help being too personally involved in any.
I've experienced the "I am wrong simply because it is *me*" rather a lot over the past years.
Which is a form of complete and utter discrimination, of course.
It is also human nature though; and in its own unfortunate way, very understandable.
And difficult to counter. Because if it wasn't, it wouldn't be such an epic world issue.
Being more able to "make the world a better place" is the ONE thing that allowed to me to have some measure of peace with giving up my childhood dream; after coming SO bloody close to reaching it.
It is *that* why I could join MARIN instead and still live.
With people insisting I give up that too, I end up with literally nothing left.
It is a core wish of my soul. Always has been. Literally forever.
There's only one third wish I always had, next to "sailing" and "making the world a better place".
One that I always tried to keep a secret; *especially* from myself.
That is the wish I finally came out with earlier this week (publicly on Facebook; because I am a nutcase by now; to my great shame).
I *don't* wish to be alone. I never did.
I just pretended to.
And acted like it.
Ensured it where need be.
But it was a lie.
I don't see how I could solve "one problem alone".
Taking care of myself? I don't even know what that means.
I can keep myself alive physically. But my soul needs to live too.
The gaps where I didn't sail and didn't make the world a better place, I filled by *distracting* myself.
With stuff on the computer. Watching TV. Reading books. That sort of stuff.
But I basically feel like most that was worth doing there, I've pretty much already done.
It's become blatantly obvious to me that it IS a distraction to myself.
It feels so pointless.
I do not know how to find a relation.
I had my chances; and I was *stupid* there.
If I couldn't manage it at my high, how could I at my low?
I've been looking into it for a week again now and I just don't see much chances.
Pointless also.
Nobody wants me. And why should they?
At the same time, who am I even interested in?
Most all seem so dull.
Far cries indeed of the many dear female friends I've known over the years.
The only way out I see is an actual goal to work towards.
A true one. One that means something. To me; *and* to others.
One I don't have to carry completely by myself;
because it'd be a goal worth doing for its *own* sake; not just for mine.
Small version would be what I tried to accomplish with my boat (and basically failed miserably):
To round up a crew, gain experience and work towards more interesting sailings.
Larger version would, again, return to "making the world a better place" in some way.
Such as taking something "pirate" and taking it beyond "silly fun" to something more meaningful and real.
There's enough overlap between all sorts of sides for that to not be completely implausible.
There isn't a political "pirate party" for nothing, after all.
And with SO much "us-vs-them" invading every aspect of this world...
(As an example: Amsterdam Shallow Man "expats discriminating Dutch because Dutch discriminate")
To me, piracy can have two sides. There is the blackhearted evil.
But there is also the "Robin Hood for the betterment of humankind" side.
I know you have no time, but the new "Lost Pirate Republic" on Netflix shows it quite interestingly, I think.
BOTH sides clearly on display.
And I cannot help think to myself: what if we could replicate the good, without copying the bad?
Same with the "VOC" in *Dutch* history, which these days is considered "pure-evil-because-colonialism-and-slavery",
but which ALSO was an impressive collaboration between very different groups that pioneered many economic principles still in use today.
And the official background was not war; but trade. Not even *primarily* human trade.
It was all about the spices; and the special exotic commodities.
Some was certainly done through evil application of force. But I don't believe ALL was done that way.
Plus, this COULD be interpreted as a form of "Europeans *appreciating* things from *outside* Europe";
and thereby at least making a start with NOT distriminating against EVERYTHING alien.
(Sure, it could again also be interpreted as the opposite; but if given the chance, why not choose a *positive* spin on things for a change? Instead of all the incessant naysaying?)
At its best, I consider "trade" in itself quite a peaceful, noble goal.
And that's why I came up with the idea of the Stichting "Vereenigde Wereldwijde Compagnie" (United Worldwide Company Foundation).
The ONE thing that I see as particularly troublesome in the concept of the VOC is that it was another classic us-vs-them.
United Dutch-vs-East India.
I like the "united". I like the "trade". I dislike the "against".
But making it a *Worldwide* thing, there's literally nobody left to be *against*.
In the best case scenario, this could be a statement of taking something from our shared, flawed past;
and not pretending it didn't happen; or judging it as bad in its entirety;
but taking the good and turning it into something better than was ever there before.
And this idiotic mind of mine...
I just really like that.
But he's asleep now and I don't wish to bother him.
How about I park it here instead; for other people's perusal?
-------------------------------------------------------------
I live in the world.
That world affects me.
How could it not?
*Trying* to change the world is one of the few things I COULD control.
I'd fail, of course. Certainly by myself. But it's something I *could* act towards.
Given my *wildly* varied perspectives, gained all over the bloody place, negotiating and helping different people understand each other might just be something I *could* end up accomplishing. I can understand SO many different sides to things.
But it doesn't help being too personally involved in any.
I've experienced the "I am wrong simply because it is *me*" rather a lot over the past years.
Which is a form of complete and utter discrimination, of course.
It is also human nature though; and in its own unfortunate way, very understandable.
And difficult to counter. Because if it wasn't, it wouldn't be such an epic world issue.
Being more able to "make the world a better place" is the ONE thing that allowed to me to have some measure of peace with giving up my childhood dream; after coming SO bloody close to reaching it.
It is *that* why I could join MARIN instead and still live.
With people insisting I give up that too, I end up with literally nothing left.
It is a core wish of my soul. Always has been. Literally forever.
There's only one third wish I always had, next to "sailing" and "making the world a better place".
One that I always tried to keep a secret; *especially* from myself.
That is the wish I finally came out with earlier this week (publicly on Facebook; because I am a nutcase by now; to my great shame).
I *don't* wish to be alone. I never did.
I just pretended to.
And acted like it.
Ensured it where need be.
But it was a lie.
I don't see how I could solve "one problem alone".
Taking care of myself? I don't even know what that means.
I can keep myself alive physically. But my soul needs to live too.
The gaps where I didn't sail and didn't make the world a better place, I filled by *distracting* myself.
With stuff on the computer. Watching TV. Reading books. That sort of stuff.
But I basically feel like most that was worth doing there, I've pretty much already done.
It's become blatantly obvious to me that it IS a distraction to myself.
It feels so pointless.
I do not know how to find a relation.
I had my chances; and I was *stupid* there.
If I couldn't manage it at my high, how could I at my low?
I've been looking into it for a week again now and I just don't see much chances.
Pointless also.
Nobody wants me. And why should they?
At the same time, who am I even interested in?
Most all seem so dull.
Far cries indeed of the many dear female friends I've known over the years.
The only way out I see is an actual goal to work towards.
A true one. One that means something. To me; *and* to others.
One I don't have to carry completely by myself;
because it'd be a goal worth doing for its *own* sake; not just for mine.
Small version would be what I tried to accomplish with my boat (and basically failed miserably):
To round up a crew, gain experience and work towards more interesting sailings.
Larger version would, again, return to "making the world a better place" in some way.
Such as taking something "pirate" and taking it beyond "silly fun" to something more meaningful and real.
There's enough overlap between all sorts of sides for that to not be completely implausible.
There isn't a political "pirate party" for nothing, after all.
And with SO much "us-vs-them" invading every aspect of this world...
(As an example: Amsterdam Shallow Man "expats discriminating Dutch because Dutch discriminate")
To me, piracy can have two sides. There is the blackhearted evil.
But there is also the "Robin Hood for the betterment of humankind" side.
I know you have no time, but the new "Lost Pirate Republic" on Netflix shows it quite interestingly, I think.
BOTH sides clearly on display.
And I cannot help think to myself: what if we could replicate the good, without copying the bad?
Same with the "VOC" in *Dutch* history, which these days is considered "pure-evil-because-colonialism-and-slavery",
but which ALSO was an impressive collaboration between very different groups that pioneered many economic principles still in use today.
And the official background was not war; but trade. Not even *primarily* human trade.
It was all about the spices; and the special exotic commodities.
Some was certainly done through evil application of force. But I don't believe ALL was done that way.
Plus, this COULD be interpreted as a form of "Europeans *appreciating* things from *outside* Europe";
and thereby at least making a start with NOT distriminating against EVERYTHING alien.
(Sure, it could again also be interpreted as the opposite; but if given the chance, why not choose a *positive* spin on things for a change? Instead of all the incessant naysaying?)
At its best, I consider "trade" in itself quite a peaceful, noble goal.
And that's why I came up with the idea of the Stichting "Vereenigde Wereldwijde Compagnie" (United Worldwide Company Foundation).
The ONE thing that I see as particularly troublesome in the concept of the VOC is that it was another classic us-vs-them.
United Dutch-vs-East India.
I like the "united". I like the "trade". I dislike the "against".
But making it a *Worldwide* thing, there's literally nobody left to be *against*.
In the best case scenario, this could be a statement of taking something from our shared, flawed past;
and not pretending it didn't happen; or judging it as bad in its entirety;
but taking the good and turning it into something better than was ever there before.
And this idiotic mind of mine...
I just really like that.
