The following is a post I made on a gaming forum (which has been gripped by - unrelated to Pirates! - pirate fever; strange how the world works.)
This gives you an idea of the mod I want in the game;
Here we go . . . .
Subject: Great New Game - PIRATES!
Yes, a pirate based computer game! Actually, THE pirate based computer game; anything else is kiddies mucking about, landlubbers!
It is a new game, a remake of a very old one. The original Pirates! was released about 15 years ago. It was fantastic, but the graphics weren't up to much. Then Pirates Gold was released, which tended to blow chunks.
But now, they have remade it! Sid Meier's Pirates! (I commend it)
The basic premise is simple - it is an `open-ended` game; you sail around the Carribs, trading, fighting, plundering etc. etc. - it a totally `free-form` environment. There are missions and quests and stuff, but these are offered to you rather than being essential. This is a storyline (rescuse family, defeat evil Spaniard, become no 1 pirate etc.) but that can be ignored if you just fancy trading. Or even helping the Jesuits get settlers to places. Or . . .
It is rather historically accurate, but does contain some legendary elements - such as burried treasure etc. But this just adds to its charm - and these can also be ignored if you so desire.
One thing that does annoy me - marriage. The game allows for you to get married and to chat up women. This is clearly part of the romantic ethos of 17th Century Carribean. I have no problem with this.
This is what I have a problem with - it has a Britney Spears style dancing game in the middle; this is your seduction vector.
Okay, I am a pirate. I have titles from three major European powers, am an Admiral and Colonel in the military forces of these powers, have 500 men under my command, estates totaling over 3000 acres, a 160 tonne, 40 gun large Frigate called the <i>Scythehammer</i> and a bounty of 21,000 doubloons on my head.
I am in love with the sea - it is where I spend my time. I don't want this garbage of "a girl in every port" as this can lead to various diseases no amount of limes will cure and, also, port is either what I don't call left or where I am when I am not having fun. I want a girl with me, on board my truly gorgeous 40 gun Frigate that turns on a sixpence.
I want a pirate's daughter to rule the `sea-lanes` with me. That's what I want.
The governors' daughters (who are the women one can seduce in this game) are rated according to prettiness - the prettier your wife, the more "points" you get. Even the beautiful one isn't as attractive as the tavern wench in English ports. And said wench talks to you and is nice and charming and compliments you on your silly hat and trembles in fear when you hang Henry Morgan from his own yardarm.
The English Tavern wench (who, for reasons best known to herself, has an American accent and who my girlfriend* and I are refering to as "Liza the Tavern Wench") is truly stunning. She is slim and elegant, with lovely blonde hair and a very nice pair of shoreforts. Her dress and her shoulders really don't get on. She's lovely.
<i>(Note: My girlfriend is American and called Liza)</i>
Sometimes, you go into the bar and she is being accosted by the captain of the guard. And you can start a brawl and beat him up. It's great. You nod at her and she looks all flattered.
And then I go and make a prize turkey of myself on the dancefloor. Even though I spent several thousand doubloons on the Magic Dancing Slippers or whatever they are called.
I'm a pirate! I'm not Britney Spears! If I wanted to dance, I would!
Anyway, all you can do with Liza the Tavern Wench (and her friends in the Spanish, Dutch, French and Pirate ports - there is a certain wildness about the pirate wench, but she is being called Mary after typhoid as I suspect she has been around the Windward Isles a few times) is chat and get gossip and stuff. Oh, and she tells you you are great. Which is more than the governor's daughter does - she just says you can't dance.
No, I can't dance. I am a pirate! Actually, I'm a privateer! You know the reason you and your dad don't get sixteen feet of Spanish pike up your cannon touchhole? Me and the <i>Scythehammer</i>, love.
And here's another thing - why do I want to get married to some fainting, languishing girl who lives on land? The governor's daughter wouldn't come with me onboard my stateroom on the <i>Scythehammer</i> - she'd say it was dirty and stuff. I'd have to retire.
No, that sucks.
What do pirates do when they get old? Open a tavern and talk about the old times with young pirates. I know this - the tavern owner might as well have a parrot on his shoulder. And who is the tavern wench going to be? His daughter.
She's got `salt-water` in her veins! She wants adventure and romance and not getting her arse pinched by the captain of the guard! She wants to be on my ship with me! She could wear boots and breeches and a silk blouse and encourage the men. A ship needs officers - she could be the quartermaster!
Listen to me, makers of computer games! Hearken unto me! Governors' daughters are not all like Kiera Knightly - in fact, none of them are. They might be attractive, but they are languishing and fainting. And they are not as beautiful as Liza the blonde tavern wench from the Drunken Parrot in Port Royale.
I could buy her a ship for what I spent on trying to impress the governor's daughter - and what for? She's not as cute, she's not what a pirate wants!
Campaign for being able to marry the tavern wench! Desipte the fact it seriously cramps my success in the game, I <i>refuse</i> to pay any attention to the governor's daughter! Why?
Because my pirate is marrying Liza the tavern wench and taking her with me on the <i>Scythehammer</i> from port to port.
It's the only explanation why all the English tavern wenches look the same . . . .
Sid Meier's Pirates! Good game, buy it. £19.99 from Virgin. Runs like a dream on my PC which is about `9-10` months old and wasn't that advanced. Absolutely superb. Get it.
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Anyway, that is my post concerning wives. I'm in love with the blonde tavern wench. She's my pirate queen!
Ahoy, me hearties!
Cap'n Darius Knight, the <i>Scythehammer</i>