Alexithymia and Emotional Neglect

[Pieter Boelen]

This is a subject I've looked into quite a bit and it seems like a BIGGIE!

Emotional neglect is invisible.
It often happens with the best of intentions and gets transferred from generation to generation.

And "happens" is the wrong word, because it is something that FAILED to happen.
Therefore it cannot be remembered and is all the more confusing.

It leads to misunderstanding your own emotions, which can also complicate understanding those of other people.
But worse, not understanding your emotions can lead to bottling them up.
They're still there though and this can lead to health issues far beyond the psychological.

I've witnessed this throughout my life.
Experienced it myself.
Know how this world is largely tailored towards causing this, rather than solving it.

And it scares me, because as much as I suffered from its effects, I probably got off easy.
I felt it unconsciously when I was 4 and by the time I was 10 years old, I could put it into words.
Not that I spoke those words, but I distinctly remember.

No, what scares me is that so many other people around me may be suffering from it too.
Without being aware.
Possibly being unable or even unwilling to see it in themselves.
Causing great harm to their own health and that of others around them.

 

[Cerez]

You're talking about two different things:

1. Alexithymia: a natural condition/trait someone is born with that makes it difficult for them to identify what they are feeling inside, and may cause them to unwittingly expose themselves to more harm and emotional abuse. It makes taking care of yourself more difficult.

2. Childhood parental emotional neglect: which is when parents do not establish a warm and affectionate relationship with their child, most often because the parent themself has a personality disorder, such as NPD and/or APD.

Alexithymia is not caused by emotional neglect (it's something you are born with), although trauma, (C-)PTSD can cause some effects that are similar with certain emotions in certain contexts -- the blocking out of certain feelings. But alexithymia extends further than that, into the whole internal workings of the human body.

I have alexithymia myself, and I have developed (C-)PTSD in/by adulthood.

I'm not sure I understand your fear. Can you expand on it (without triggering yourself)?

 

[Cerez]

Being afraid to love and be loved can be caused by childhood emotional neglect, however. How to show and receive affection is something that is naturally taught from parent/guardian to child.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

You're talking about two different things

I wonder... how is it possible to know that for sure?

I've also heard widely varying statements about whether high sensitivity is something you're born with or more related to your environment.

The way I figure it, proving this one way or another is virtually impossible.
Correlation does not necessarily equal causation and proving things in the hard sciences is also far, FAR from simple.
Plus officially nothing ever goes beyond theory either.

So why not believe the explanation that means it's not a fixed part of who you are?
That would mean you can still learn at a later age and become a healthier person that way.

I'm not sure I understand your fear. Can you expand on it (without triggering yourself)?

Simplest way to say it:
I have this hypothesis where you have a lot of bottled up emotions that your alexithymia ensures stay bottled up.
And that causes health issues that, when bad enough, can slowly but surely kill you.

There might be some truth to that.
There might not be.
But if there indeed is, I don't want you to die from it.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

Well, here's an outside-the-box type article:
Childhood Emotional Neglect: 2020 Is Your Year of Living Selfishly

Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

Honestly, there IS wisdom in there.
Strange as it might sound.

 

[The Nameless Pirate]

At the start I was thinking that I would totally disagree.

But you where right, I wasn't expecting this.

And yes, it has good things in there.
You have to treat yourself well, for you only live once and you can't ignore your needs.

 

[Cerez]

I wonder... how is it possible to know that for sure?

I've also heard widely varying statements about whether high sensitivity is something you're born with or more related to your environment.

The way I figure it, proving this one way or another is virtually impossible.
Correlation does not necessarily equal causation and proving things in the hard sciences is also far, FAR from simple.
Plus officially nothing ever goes beyond theory either.

If you start to think about it that way, nothing in psychology is for sure. Not even in medicine. Everything is a narrowed down and lacking human interpretation of reality that doesn't apply in every instance, but applies in some way to the majority.

Modern science is empirical -- it is based on measurements and replicable experiments. Psychology, too, attempts to prove with replicable experiments, although it is far more subjective than other sciences and a relatively new science.

So why not believe the explanation that means it's not a fixed part of who you are?
That would mean you can still learn at a later age and become a healthier person that way.

Because acceptance is often more important than wanting to heal from something. Acceptance is most often the most crucial and fundamental first step to healing, and rejection/denial or sadness/contempt of/for your struggles can completely block your chance to heal by blocking your insight and awareness, your link with your intuition, with nature and your body. This is especially relevant when it comes to psychology and mental illnesses.

You have to learn to accept yourself for who you are at this stage of your life, and learn about yourself. That is the first step to healing from any mental illness. In psychology (and often in medicine, too) ultimately it is the patient who heals themselves.

Instead of looking for reasons outside of your body first, you need to start looking at reasons inside of you, into your own natural makeup.

I have this hypothesis where you have a lot of bottled up emotions that your alexithymia ensures stay bottled up.
And that causes health issues that, when bad enough, can slowly but surely kill you.

Your intuition is giving you the right hint that if you don't share your burdens/pain/feelings with someone trustworthy, who doesn't judge you but likes/loves and accepts you for who you are, the bottled up thoughts and emotions will eat you up from the inside, causing you to sink deeper into a dark world that isn't all that living has to offer.

Time and the right environment for recovery heals all wounds -- this is truer than we realise.

But as far as alexithymia is concerned, which I see/feel you are actually misinterpreting here -- perhaps it is best if I try to explain what alexithymia looks like in me:

I am feeling something inside, a strong new sensation, and I can see that it is affecting my body, but I don't know what it is. Is it an emotion? Is it a physical sensation? What am I feeling, what's happening in my body? I can't put my finger on it.

While, as I said, temporary numbness and difficulty to relate to certain emotions can be a post-traumatic symptom, a persistent inability to get in touch with your body to a deep enough level to understand what it is you are feeling, physical or emotional, is usually not something that is psychologically induced but that someone is born with. There's nothing bottled up about it -- the person is still actively working through those emotions, just struggling to identify them. (And this is crucial. If it feels bottled up for you, with the pressure building, then you are likely dealing not just with or at all with alexithymia, but instead with post-traumatic symptoms or an emotional disorder.)

How you know if it's the latter is if this trait has been persistent in you for as long as you can remember -- if you've been never able to tell what you are feeling in a certain context. If it's always been around, chances are it's a natural part of you -- whether you've acquired it through your environment developmentally or not. It's not something you will be able to just get rid of.

When it comes to the human body, we are amazingly adaptive. Nature's balance lies not in fixing and reversing things, but in love and acceptance, and continued growth and development.

With mental illnesses, too, no-one is ever truly cured in the reversible sense. Just as a tree integrates an object that has hurt it and continues to grow around it, we effective grow out our mental illnesses, move beyond them -- but the hurt our body and spirit has experienced will always stay a part of us.

There is no such thing as a flawless human (or living) being. In continued living, we collect more and more scars, more and more flaws. The important thing is that we continue to grow, to stay connected with nature and true to ourselves, and above all learn to accept our natural reality and accept change. Each one of us is but a small part of a bigger picture.

Well, here's an outside-the-box type article:
Childhood Emotional Neglect: 2020 Is Your Year of Living Selfishly

Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?

Honestly, there IS wisdom in there.
Strange as it might sound.

The first rule of caring is you can only take care of others if you first take care of yourself.

How we treat the world depends on how we treat ourselves deep-down.

I wouldn't necessarily call it being "selfish", but, yes, this article makes some good points.

Chances are that those who have been emotionally abusive and controlling towards you will call you "selfish", and point out that "you have changed". The fact is that as long as you still care about others and selflessly connect with and contribute to the world, you are not being selfish, even when you put your own needs first.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

If you start to think about it that way, nothing in psychology is for sure.

That was indeed my point.
I've heard so many completely incompatible hypotheses.
So many professionals who clearly haven't got a clue.
Even read a book by an autistic woman who both made plenty of fair points AND seemed to be disagreeing with herself.

Difficult to know what to believe.
So I try to mix and match my own understanding that, I hope, does have an internal logical consistency.
But there are plenty of gaps and I make no claims about the truth.

Because acceptance is often more important than wanting to heal from something.

That's true.
If the true cause is inside, then that's what should be accepted.
On the other hand, it could also very well be that the true cause was never inside in the first place.
If so, then that's what has to be accepted instead.

I used to believe the cause of my difficulties was inside.
And it was. To be exact, it was that very belief.

I did a lot of harm by holding onto that belief.
Mostly to myself. Partly by ignoring great chances right in front of me.
One time by refusing to cause harm to someone I cared deeply about, resulting in her being hurt anyway and me being in no position to do anything about it.

I thought I was being kind to others by being unkind to myself.
I was wrong.

Have to learn a better way now.
Easier said than done.
But I cannot stand repeating my old mistakes.

Doesn't help when doctors and therapists want to go right back to placing the cause inside myself.
Going as far as claiming other people behave seriously badly just because "I am autistic".
As if those other people have no responsibility for their own behaviour.
That sort of logic really pisses me off.
And it's been costing me a lot to remain on my new course of NOT blaming myself for everything anymore.

But the truth is, this world is more damaged than I could ever be by myself.
And any true healing process should start with acknowledging that bit to begin with.

But as far as alexithymia is concerned, which I see/feel you are actually misinterpreting here

Indeed that sounds far more serious than anything I ever experienced.
I'm so sorry that is even a thing.

Of course I trust you to be the best judge of what you're talking about.
I just wanted to share my alternate hypothesis; just in case.
But seems that even if there might some truth to it, it's certainly not the WHOLE truth.
And clearly you are dealing with a whole lot more.

Also, well said on all the rest you've written here!
Truly beautiful stuff.

 

[Cerez]

Insightful quotes from Rudolf Steiner, mostly extracts from 'Intuitive Thinking as a Spiritual Path':

"We can only find nature outside us if we first know her within us. What is akin to her within us will be our guide."

"Let my life be measured not in years, not in days, but by [...] the length of my endeavour, the weight of my deeds, the capacity of my love, and the value of my service to others."

That was indeed my point.
I've heard so many completely incompatible hypotheses.
So many professionals who clearly haven't got a clue.

"When people demand of a 'strictly objective science' that it draw its content from observation alone, then they must at the same time demand that it renounce all thinking. For thinking, by its very nature, goes over and above what has been observed."

Difficult to know what to believe.

"Intuition is to thinking as observation is to perception. Intuition and observation are the sources of our knowledge."

 

[Cerez]

Doesn't help when doctors and therapists want to go right back to placing the cause inside myself.
Going as far as claiming other people behave seriously badly just because "I am autistic".
As if those other people have no responsibility for their own behaviour.
That sort of logic really pisses me off.

This is victim-blaming. Those doctors are horrible, morally irresponsible people.

Unfortunately, I am all too well familiar with this imbalanced, blame the victim/disability culture/mentality and ableism.

Stick to 'the patient knows their ailment best' principle, and that pertains to emotional injuries you've sustained as well. In getting in tune with your body and intuition, you will be able to recognise where external patterns are affecting you. But I know, it doesn't help when everyone around you (including your own family) is blaming you without just cause. It feels just like this:

 

[Cerez]

More on alexithymia (and getting in tune/understanding with your emotions):

I've found the main problem with having alexithymia is the same as with having a higher pain tolerance: if you're not aware that you have it and are not careful, you end up unwittingly subjecting your body to enormous amounts of hurt/damage, thinking that you are near-invincible, when the truth is that your body is still going through the same amount of stress and trauma, you're just not feeling or understanding it. (Which leads to long-term consequences, such as PTSD and wear on your body.)

 

[The Nameless Pirate]

I've found the main problem with having alexithymia is the same as with having a higher pain tolerance: if you're not aware that you have it and are not careful, you end up unwittingly subjecting your body to enormous amounts of hurt/damage, thinking that you are near-invincible, when the truth is that your body is still going through the same amount of stress and trauma, you're just not feeling or understanding it. (Which leads to long-term consequences, such as PTSD and wear on your body.)

EXACTLY!

As a kid I saw those people who don't feel pain and thought that it was awesome!
Then I thought about it and came to the conclusion that pain is useful because you know when damage has been done.

The same goes for alexithymia.

 

[The Nameless Pirate]

In the Witcher Netflix there was a scene that a king said to Geralt that he envies him because he lives and he doesn't have to fall in love.

Of course this is false but at this moment the king viewed the myth of witchers not having emotions as a positive, while it's not.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

I've found the main problem with having alexithymia is the same as with having a higher pain tolerance: if you're not aware that you have it and are not careful, you end up unwittingly subjecting your body to enormous amounts of hurt/damage, thinking that you are near-invincible, when the truth is that your body is still going through the same amount of stress and trauma, you're just not feeling or understanding it. (Which leads to long-term consequences, such as PTSD and wear on your body.)

That's a biggie indeed.
These days I get told there I cannot deal very well with stress.
But as far as I understand it now, the problem seems to be exactly the reverse: I deal too well with stress.

Which isn't so strange when you consider that my entire life I've been in quite the unstable environment.
Unpredictable, as it seems all calm and sensible. Until it suddenly isn't.
Causing me to have to be pretty prepared for just about anything.

Always turbulence in the family.
Father ignoring emotions, mother regularly depressed, people from all ranges of life always around.
Massive daily travel times for many years with very little chance to build friendships with people close by.

As a consequence, I can still continue to function better than average even under quite extreme situations.
I still remember the fire fighting training where I literally used 50% less oxygen than most of my classmates.
Quite convenient, really, as that is one less thing to worry about in the (hehe) heat of the moment.

Unfortunately there is a downside; when I feel things are getting too much even for me, I tend to point that out in still a calm and rational way.
That's uncommon though and so "less attuned"(?) people tend to ignore the crap out of what I say.
The end result is predictable: my warnings are not heeded, the situation does not change and I end up burning out.

Worse, the "powers that be" do not comprehend this mechanic.
As far as I can see, they seem to believe that "doing the same thing over and over" should eventually lead to different results.
You might recognise this as a certain famous definition of INSANITY.

And I'm left in a no-win scenario.
I am SO stress-resistant I am basically incapable of breaking down in the presence of people I do not trust.
The "powers that be" continuously ignore what I say, proving over and over that I cannot trust them.
So they never see me breaking down, even when I completely fall to pieces when I'm by myself.

When I tell them the pure facts of what happens though, it's again "ignoring time".
They cannot see it, therefore it is not real. I must be exaggerating. Or maybe even lying, perhaps.
After all, that's what people commonly do: UMass researcher finds most people lie in everyday conversation

That led to me me putting 1 and 1 together while reading Why (Statistically) Stuff You're Going Through Isn't Weird | Cracked.com:

Also look at the wonders of narcissism and combine that with the notion that NARCISSISM TOTALLY WORKS!

 

[The Nameless Pirate]

The stress builds up, and just like with other emotions this is not good for you.

People say that I don't get stressed, though I don't if it's just that or don't get stressed or the I get subconsciously stressed and this has/will have a toll.

 

[Cerez]

No-one "deals" well with stress. In practice there is no such thing as dealing well with stress. Stress is always harmful on the body. It is pushing the body far beyond its limits.

Once again, all this sounds all too familiar. Anyone who is neurodivergent will tell you they've experienced similar treatment from people (in our neurotypical, ableist culture).

The way I've gotten past this is by:

1. Avoiding ableist people. It took some practice and time to learn, but I watch out for ableist signs, and if I see that the person (including professional) I'm talking to is judgmental and ableist in their attitude to what we are talking about and me, I simply politely end the conversation and walk away, looking for someone who is accepting and understanding instead.

I don't waste my time arguing with close-minded people who have been too influenced by our predominantly ableist culture. You won't change their attitude/mind at once or at all, and trying to do so will more often than not deplete your spirit, as they are in greater numbers and our current, imbalanced culture gives them the right. Notions such as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" -- which are very shallow, imbalanced interpretations of reality. (It takes more than trying hard to grow -- it takes love, balance in your needs being met, the right natural environment, and a sense of stability, a foundation to spring from. Putting your body under stress will not make you stronger. Training comes from pushing your body to your limits, not beyond! The latter leads to harm, not progress.)

2. Learning to talk to people my way. I don't exaggerate/lie, I'm no good at it -- I don't know how to make a scene to impress neurotypicals and communicate with them. So instead I find someone who shows some sympathy/empathy, and I ask to talk with them somewhere quiet in private. Then I openly explain to them the gravity of my situation, not leaving out any of the gory details. I've found that neurotypical people can be a lot more understanding and reasonable when they are separated from their usual social environment in the moment, and with that they are encouraged to focus greater on the one person they are talking with. They also usually feel more responsible for what they say in this situation, so they make a greater effort to understand your predicament.

Putting things in writing, and handing your thoughts in as a letter in person, is also something that can help -- especially in places where they are legally obligated to help you.

All in all, you need to learn to advocate for yourself, to find your own ways of communicating your needs best with people. This is why in the Autistic community ASAN, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network is so important. Learning effective self-advocacy is crucial to meeting your basic human needs, including improving your living conditions and health.

Alternatively, you can see if there is an advocacy organisation near you, and talk with them to see if they are any good. Most advocacy organisations will not charge you for their services, and the people working there can help you (learn to) communicate your needs best and learn about your rights (and how to put them into practice). They can come with you to crucial meetings and personally assist you with communicating your needs. You just need to find an advocate you can genuinely connect with, who empathises with your situation (has been through similar experiences in their own life) and is dedicated to helping you.

Edit:

It's also important for you to realise that neurotypical people are like that and accept them as they are. It doesn't make them necessarily good or bad. Neurotypical people are usually more driven by their emotions, and they have a naturally stronger preference for communicating emotionally -- which means that they will exaggerate to make a point, and/or to draw attention to themselves. And too much exaggeration, practiced continuously, practically leads to lying and deceiving.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

No-one "deals" well with stress. In practice there is no such thing as dealing well with stress. Stress is always harmful on the body. It is pushing the body far beyond its limits.

There's a lot of confusion on the definition there.
This is a common way to look at it:

There is certainly some truth to that and not every level of stress is by definition harmful.
Certainly not if it is some mild pressure and not too prolonged.

This model is also FAR too simplistic.
For example, it ignores the part where some people (specifically those with high internal motivation) don't need extra stress to function at optimal level.
There's also a difference between people who can't or won't deal with too high levels of stress (lazy or regular people) and those two CAN and DO (for example, me).

When I looked into it just now, I was pleasantly surprised to find a graph on the internet that approximates my own thinking:

Here you (read: I) keep pushing on either because of external forces or because of that internal motivation (or some combination of both).
This is a dangerous combination and eventually the intended targets can no longer be reached.

The part where this is SUPER confusing is that, on short term, this can work.
As long as there is recovery time afterwards.
Which there was when I worked 4 months at sea, but then had 2 months of absolutely nothing.
And when the atmosphere/culture on board had not yet completely gone to shit.

It got different when ashore, where suddenly there wasn't that '2 months of nothing' anymore.
Still I could cope with that just fine as, to me, it just felt completely normal.
Until the atmosphere/culture dropped down there too. Which can happen literally all of a sudden.
By which time it is already too late. Apparently.

It didn't need to be. I started warning my manager(s) well before my breakdown point was reached.
But that's where the cracks in their management skills began to really show.
They did NOTHING with my warnings.
Or what they did involved 'most certainly not listening to the actual things I said'.

Couple of links about it I just found (and that I did NOT all study in-depth ):
Are You Too Stressed to Be Productive? Or Not Stressed Enough?
Jan 2019: The Good Side of Stress » Stuff4Educators.com -
https://explorable.com/how-does-stress-affect-performance

Avoiding ableist people.

I've witnessed an Autistic/ADHD person do that once.
We met after that Science Cafe about Adaption I mentioned before.
I had made some comments during the question bit and two people (well... technically three, but that's a different story ) approached me afterwards.
The two of them got into an argument, which got heated REAL quick.
It also ended real quick because that Autistic/ADHD person caught the ableist attitude, decided the other person was close-minded and shut down himself.

Personally it seemed like a bit of an over-reaction to me, but since I'm probably less Autistic/ADHD than he is, I believe it made sense for him.
We're still in touch. He seems like a good guy.
Turns out he does coaching next to his regular day job.

Learning to talk to people my way. I don't exaggerate/lie, I'm no good at it -- I don't know how to make a scene to impress neurotypicals and communicate with them. So instead I find someone who shows some sympathy/empathy

Truth be told, sometimes your writing DOES read (to me) as if it is exaggerated.
But I know you well enough to know you do not lie.
When you write it strongly, that is because you genuinely feel it that strongly.
(Or so I believe... Correct me if I'm wrong.)

I suppose it's the same reaction I've got to that guy I mentioned very rapidly shutting down that conversation.
That also seemed like an over-reaction, but at the same time I believe from his side it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Likely this is also the same reaction my managers have to me.
That puts me at both ends at the same time.
Strange position to be in, but here we are...

I have yet to succeed at making my managers see reason.
And I don't know if I manage to do it better (so with sympathy/empathy/understanding) than them towards you either.
If I don't, then I do apologise.

I ask to talk with them somewhere quiet in private. Then I openly explain to them the gravity of my situation, not leaving out any of the gory details. I've found that neurotypical people can be a lot more understanding and reasonable when they are separated from their usual social environment in the moment, and with that they are encouraged to focus greater on the one person they are talking with. They also usually feel more responsible for what they say in this situation, so they make a greater effort to understand your predicament.

Oddly, my experience is that 1-on-1 literally ANYTHING GOES. To the point that it genuinely scares me.
Somehow certain people (far too many) I've been dealing with apparently don't feel more responsible in that situation.
Without social control and with no witness other than me, there's plenty opportunity for them to say the absolute craziest things.

If there is a THIRD person present though, who is either on my side or at least somewhat independent, the tables get completely reversed.
Suddenly then I end up talking to a reasonable human being, rather than... *yikes and shudders*.

communicating emotionally -- which means that they will exaggerate to make a point, and/or to draw attention to themselves. And too much exaggeration, practiced continuously, practically leads to lying and deceiving.

Quite the nice explanation for where narcissism and gaslighting come from!

It's also important for you to realise that neurotypical people are like that and accept them as they are. It doesn't make them necessarily good or bad. Neurotypical people are usually more driven by their emotions

Driven by emotions is perfectly fine.
Pretty sure that's where that strong internal drive of mine comes from too.
It's certainly not rational; even though it IS real.

There seems to be a difference though in whether the ratio drives the emotion (like is usually the case with me, I think)
or when emotions drive the ratio instead (leading to explaining away all sorts of irrational behaviour and/or even being completely unable to see it).
In my experience, which matches with my observations from others as well as myself, the more we are under stress, the less ratio controls us.

Which brings us back full circle to your original point:

No-one "deals" well with stress.

So... Fair point! Well made.

 

[Cerez]

There's a lot of confusion on the definition there.

In both medicine and psychology, the word "stress" means too much burden placed on the body, to the point of damage/wear.

When your body is well hydrated, nutritioned, rested, and otherwise needs taken care of, challenging yourself to your limits does not mean stress. Stress comes from stepping beyond your limits -- which causes wear and injury on your body.

In an ableist society, people are taught to "suck it up" and push themselves as hard as they can in order to conform and meet expectations. They're told that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". This is not technically true, as the human body grows and develops best when all our needs are met to recover and we challenge ourselves to our limit -- not beyond it!

Such an imbalanced philosophy and culture is set for the purpose of socially exploiting people. No-one really cares what happens to you if you happen to wear your body completely out or severely injure yourself. They want to use and abuse you while you are still able.

This is why awareness of this and self-care in such an exploitative society is extemely important for our health and wellbeing.

The ableism gets pounded into us so hard that we end up blaming ourselves for being lazy when we are resting our body after hard work, when we are sick, or when we are taking time for our brain and body to do nothing in order to self-reflect and find balance.

Laziness is avoiding work when you are perfectly able to work, by definition. Not challenging yourself. It means nothing more than that. Taking care of your body, taking time off in balance, is not being lazy -- it's actually being resourceful and wise.

When your body is giving you signs you need to rest, that is not being lazy, but taking care of yourself.

It is a common social misconception (lie) that if allowed to do nothing, all people are lazy by nature. Most people are exactly the opposite: we continuously seek challenge. Given the right social context and personal motivation, all people are quite busy by nature -- we love to socialise and work together, to create and accomplish things.

It also ended real quick because that Autistic/ADHD person caught the ableist attitude, decided the other person was close-minded and shut down himself.

Personally it seemed like a bit of an over-reaction to me, but since I'm probably less Autistic/ADHD than he is, I believe it made sense for him.

There is no reasoning with someone who is raised in a culture that is biased against you and who is not willing to empathise with and understand your point of view. The longer you stay in that conflict, the more you will get hurt.

This is hard to understand for someone who is part of the mainstream culture, but when you are marginalised by society, pretty much the whole of society and everyone in it is biased against you. We are being extremely brave when we self-advocate, when we speak up -- because the danger, both emotional and physical, is substantial for us.

You have no idea how much ableism, how many ignorant and cruel people, I have to deal with daily! If I stopped to argue with every single one of them, I would no longer be living after a month -- I will have depleted my spirit to the point of suicide.

Truth be told, sometimes your writing DOES read (to me) as if it is exaggerated.
But I know you well enough to know you do not lie.
When you write it strongly, that is because you genuinely feel it that strongly.
(Or so I believe... Correct me if I'm wrong.)

I appreciate that. When I speak strongly, I speak not just from feeling but from conviction -- my intuitive and cognitive knowledge, as I know it to be true in life. From a young age I have learned to follow up my intuitive sensing with reason, with search for knowledge. I will use simple allegories/imagery to illustrate certain points, but I usually make it clear when I am doing so. Contrary to popular belief, I don't exaggerate -- but, being multicultural, autistic, and hyperempathic, my life experiences are often more extreme than what most others have experienced. That, however, doesn't make them any less real or exaggerated.

I have yet to succeed at making my managers see reason.
And I don't know if I manage to do it better (so with sympathy/empathy/understanding) than them towards you either.
If I don't, then I do apologise.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

The same goes with me, I don't always communicate best, and, even though I generally make great efforts not to, I tend to unintentionally hurt people's egos, and often sound (very) raw/harsh, so if you find that something I say, or the way I say it, is offensive, please try not to take it to heart, and let me know. My intention is never to hurt or offend you personally, but rather to care for you and mutually share with you, openly.

Regarding your managers, I believe your intuition is right: the same way that I am dealing with socially ingrained ableism in people, you are dealing with another harmful aspect of our culture ingrained in the people you are talking with. People usually find it hard to let go of things they've grown up with knowing to be true, even if those things are based on lies. The more you challenge their ingrained preconceptions, the more they will get scared of the unknown and react in unpredictable ways, hostile towards you.

If there is a THIRD person present though, who is either on my side or at least somewhat independent, the tables get completely reversed.
Suddenly then I end up talking to a reasonable human being, rather than... *yikes and shudders*.

Then getting a supportive advocate or having a trustworthy, social friend along to help you would be the right thing for you.

Quite the nice explanation for where narcissism and gaslighting come from!

Indeed, as well as a whole bunch of other positive and negative human traits. As strange as that sounds, our greatest natural asset, our imagination is what makes lying and deception possible.

Once again, nature proves that it doesn't conform to human-social concepts and interpretations, and that there is good and bad (or rather a spectrum) in everything, and that we need to pay equal attention to both.

Driven by emotions is perfectly fine.
Pretty sure that's where that strong internal drive of mine comes from too.
It's certainly not rational; even though it IS real.

Indeed, very insightful/perceptive of you. I've noticed your neurotypical traits kicking in from time to time, influencing your actions. They are also what allow you to connect with and communicate better with people, and to feel more or less at home socialising.

There seems to be a difference though in whether the ratio drives the emotion (like is usually the case with me, I think)
or when emotions drive the ratio instead (leading to explaining away all sorts of irrational behaviour and/or even being completely unable to see it).
In my experience, which matches with my observations from others as well as myself, the more we are under stress, the less ratio controls us.

This is a matter of getting acquainted with your intuition. Intuitive reasoning allows us to bring our 'emotional world' and 'rational world' into balance, so that our actions are both insightful/wise and well reasoned -- in balance with our nature and responsibly in our control.

And you are perfectly right that putting the body in imbalance, under stress, cuts us off from our intuition. This is why people say not to make important decisions when your body is out of balance.

 

[Pieter Boelen]

Ever since I found his channel, I've been really appreciating his movies.
But today's one is EXCEPTIONALLY good:

It fits perfectly with what I've been learning myself.
And it shows things in a clear and sensible way too.

Wow!

 

[Pieter Boelen]

different story

This story is named "Zeinab".