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Joke thread

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

May I help you?" she asked.

I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - - too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2.. Taxes
3.. Being screwed by a lawyer
_____________________
 
*somehow my reply ended up in this topic instead! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":blink:" border="0" alt="blink.gif" /> *
 
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”

Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

“Dammit” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

“Oh God, this is gettin' worse,” he slurs.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.

“I’ll never make it home,” he mumbles amid more curses.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and grunts “No way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “Maybe I can just can make it to the bed.”

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says “To hell with it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.

Paddy says, “I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head’s throbbin’. But how’d ye know?”

“Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub.”
 
A man walked into a bar one day. Since he was broke, he asked the bartender if he fancied a little wager. The bartender agreed, so the man bet him $10.00 he could dance on his hair. After taking the bet, the man took off his toupe, threw it on the floor and danced on it. Reluctantly, the bartender paid up and the man went over to sit with 3 other guys.

After a bit, the man went back to the bartender and asked him if he would like to get his money back. Of course, the bartender did, so the man again bet $10.00 that he could lick his eyeball. Again, the bartender took the bet. The man simply took out his glass eye and licked it. Embarrassed, the bartender paid up and the man went back to sit with the 3 guys.

Soon after, the man went back to the bartender. He told him he felt guilty about the sucker bets and asked if he would like to get even. He bet $20.00 that he could stand at one end of the bar and spit into a shot glass all the way on the other end. Having been taken twice, the bartender thought hard about the bet. He realized that it had to be impossible and he took the bet.

Of course, the man didn't even come close, so he paid up and went back to sit with the 3 guys. After wiping up the mess and smiling that he had won his money back, he went over to the man and asked him why he made an impossible bet. The man said "Well, I bet these guys $20.00 each that I could spit on your bar and you would wipe it up with a smile on your face".

EDIT: I thought it best to clean it up from the original. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_wink.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=";)" border="0" alt="icon_wink.gif" />
 
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
Gotta admit, I never heard that one before.
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist told her to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked her to describe her problem.

She was very shy about what she said was an emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her private area.

So the doctor started to examine her, and found the problem to be quite a touchy situation. He raised his head out from under her skirt after completing his examination and said "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation, and could cause serious complications because of it's precarious location"

"I'm sure I cannot afford that," sighed the young woman. "But, could you at least replace the batteries while I'm here?"
 
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER



A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The
chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a
satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs
the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT
question.

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second
time
 
Love that Walmart Store

Joe says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
 
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/gspz0315.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
you'd wonder if that happens in reality. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rolleyes:" border="0" alt="rolleyes.gif" />
 
<!--coloro:#ffffff--><span style="color:#ffffff"><!--/coloro--><!--fonto:Arial--><span style="font-family:Arial"><!--/fonto-->A couple of Red Neck hunters are out in the woods when one of them grimaces and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator: "My huntin' buddy looks like he is dead! What should I do?" <!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc-->

<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--coloro:#ffffff--><span style="color:#ffffff"><!--/coloro--><!--fonto:Arial--><span style="font-family:Arial"><!--/fonto-->The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:

"Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. <!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc-->

<!--fonto:Arial--><span style="font-family:Arial"><!--/fonto-->The redneck's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, he's dead, now what?"<!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->
 
Here's another:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.




And the Russians, well they just used a pencil.
 
The redneck joke was good. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
I've heard that about the Russians using a pencil. But at least we have a pen that writes upside down! There was a funny Seinfeld episode involving that pen. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/me.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":onya" border="0" alt="me.gif" />
 
<!--quoteo(post=199607:date=Jun 5 2007, 01:19 AM:name=Old Salt)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Old Salt @ Jun 5 2007, 01:19 AM) [snapback]199607[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->The redneck joke was good. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
I've heard that about the Russians using a pencil. But at least we have a pen that writes upside down! There was a funny Seinfeld episode involving that pen. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/me.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":onya" border="0" alt="me.gif" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
The story about the pen is a good joke, but I'm afraid that's all it is. The true story can be seen here:
<a href="http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp" target="_blank">http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp</a>

Basically, both America and Russia originally used pencils. There are several problems with pencils, being sharp objects made of wood and graphite which float around in a zero-G, pure oxygen environment with lots of electronics. Both NASA and the Russians now use the famous space pen instead. NASA didn't spend a single cent developing the pen, it was a private effort by Fisher. The pen is now used by NASA, the Russians, and the general public.
 
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off:

“Doctor, take a look at me, when I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME, DOC!????”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you one thing, there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....eeewwwww!!!”

He he he he he....
 
<!--fonto:Trebuchet MS--><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS"><!--/fonto--> <!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--> <!--fonto:Comic Sans MS--><span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS"><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:4--><span style="font-size:14pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#ffffff--><span style="color:#ffffff"><!--/coloro--><!--fonto:Arial--><span style="font-family:Arial"><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:2--><span style="font-size:10pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->...and I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather....<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--> <!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc-->

<!--fonto:Comic Sans MS--><span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS"><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:4--><span style="font-size:14pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#ff0000--><span style="color:#ff0000"><!--/coloro--><!--fonto:Arial Black--><span style="font-family:Arial Black"><!--/fonto--><!--sizeo:5--><span style="font-size:18pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--><!--coloro:#ffffff--><span style="color:#ffffff"><!--/coloro-->Not screaming in terror like his passengers!!!<!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc--> <!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc--><!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--fontc--></span><!--/fontc-->
 
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