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Joke thread

A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/cartoon02.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
"is that a worm?" <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/piratesing.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock" border="0" alt="piratesing.gif" />
 
What? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" /> Oh yes of course.. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/icon_eek.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shock:" border="0" alt="icon_eek.gif" /> Don't show your wiener to birds. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/pole-dancer.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mums and their kids.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said "Your obsession is with eating; you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mum and tells her "You are money-obsessed as shown by your child's name, Penny."
He tells the third "You're obsessed with alcohol. You've named your girl Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother gets up hurriedly, grabs her little boy by the hand and whispers "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
 
A guy is seeing a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if this is an improvement; two days ago he was seeing a pink flying elephant.

Another guy visits a psychiatrist who shows him an inkblot and asks what he sees there. "Two naked women", says the guy. The psychiatrist shows him another inkblot; "Another two naked women", says the guy. A third inkblot; "Four naked women, and WOW look what they're doing!" exclaims the patient.

"OK, I think I can see what is wrong with you", says the psychiatrist. "You're obsessed with sex".

"What do you mean, <i>I'm</i> obsessed with sex?" says the patient. "You're the one showing me all the dirty pictures!"
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/gspz0812.gif" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/monkeys.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At eight, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. And last year you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 
An old pirate <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/pirate2.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p:" border="0" alt="pirate2.gif" /> had three beautiful daughters, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flower.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":ty" border="0" alt="flower.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flower.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":ty" border="0" alt="flower.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/flower.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":ty" border="0" alt="flower.gif" /> and by chance it turned out they were all going out on their first dates on the same night.

Being protective of his daughters, the old pirate determined to meet each of the suitors before he let his daughters go out with them, and he stood by the door with pistols at the ready. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/guns.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":2guns" border="0" alt="guns.gif" />

When the first suitor showed up the pirate opened the door and the young man said,

"Hello, my name is Joe, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/doff.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":doff" border="0" alt="doff.gif" />
I'm here for Flo, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/love.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":luv" border="0" alt="love.gif" />
We're going to see a show, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/keith.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":keith" border="0" alt="keith.gif" />
is she ready to go?" <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dunno.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shrug" border="0" alt="dunno.gif" />

The old pirate looked the young man over and decided he was ok, and let his daughter go out. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/me.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":onya" border="0" alt="me.gif" />

When the second suitor arrived the pirate opened the door and the young man said,

"Hello, my name is Eddie, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/doff.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":doff" border="0" alt="doff.gif" />
I've come to pick up Betty, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/love.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":luv" border="0" alt="love.gif" />
We're going to eat spaghetti, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cheers.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheers" border="0" alt="cheers.gif" />
is she ready? <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dunno.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shrug" border="0" alt="dunno.gif" />

The old pirate looked the young man over and decided he was ok, and let his daughter go out. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbs1.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":2up" border="0" alt="thumbs1.gif" />

When the third suitor arrived the pirate opened the door and the young man said,

"Hello, my name is Chuck, <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/doff.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":doff" border="0" alt="doff.gif" />
and the pirate shot him. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/shoot.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":shoot:" border="0" alt="shoot.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/boom.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":boom" border="0" alt="boom.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
You might be a redneck if. . .



1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.

3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

7.You've ever used lard in bed.

8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.

12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.

14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

18.You own a homemade fur coat.

19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
 
<img src="http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x172/oldsalt_bucket/cartoons/oops.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i81/Guppzor/Misc/r8b1nk.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" />
 
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