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Joke thread

Here's a good one for the next time somebody posts a bug with Build 14 Alpha 9! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/w00t.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":woot" border="0" alt="w00t.gif" />
<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><i><b>Computer Problem Report Form</b></i>
Describe your problem: ____________________________________________
Now, describe the problem accurately:
___________________________________________________________________
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
___________________________________________________________________
Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
Have you made it worse? Yes__
Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
___________________________________________________________________
How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
___________________________________________________________________
If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
___________________________________________________________________
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
How does this problem make you feel?
___________________________________________________________________
Tell me about your childhood ____________________________________________
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />

Tech support: How may I serve you?
Person: My monitor is dirty. How do I clean it? Should I use Windex?
Tech support: Switch off those porn sites.
Person: .......
Tech Support: Better yet send me the link.
 
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're ugly as well!"
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Microsoft to Sell Ad Space in Error Messages
Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Murphey's Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Gullibility Virus
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question, every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxes Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:

~ The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.

~ The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.

~ A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including:

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability Symantec Anti Virus Research Center McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List Dr. Solomon's Hoax Page The Urban Legends Web Site Urban Legends Reference Pages Datafellows Hoax Warnings

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:

Evaluating Internet Research Sources Evaluation of Information Sources Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! Lots!!

For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME ONLY! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies.... an yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":rofl" border="0" alt="24.gif" /> <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/huh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":huh" border="0" alt="huh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
My phone service is out - since saturday

So what does Qwest service do???

They call me to tell me that my service is out.

But they cannot get through.

So they email instead.

and they have the wrong Phone number anyway

Sorry, but true story.
 
<!--quoteo(post=315462:date=Apr 23 2009, 03:19 PM:name=Lazarus)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Lazarus @ Apr 23 2009, 03:19 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=315462"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Peter Principle?<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
"Paid Professionals"
 
The English amongst us will appreciate this more.......



<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><u><b>Why does it cost so much to live in England</b></u>

This might give you a clue:-
<u>THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER</u>


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END.

THE ENGLISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. BBC TV shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. English press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer while others have plenty.

The Greens, Family First, Greenpeace, Animal Rights, The Grasshopper Council of England and Shami Chakrabarti demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multicultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

John Prescott rants in a TV interview with Jeremy Paxman that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share", and he increases the charge for squirrels to enter Birmingham city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and redistributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum-seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to the UK as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the Englishman's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A ‘60 Minutes Special’ shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "illness". The cats, assisted by Shami Chakrabarti, seek recompense in the high court for their treatment since arrival in the UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but, with the help of Shami Chakrabati, is released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. David Cameron urges everyone to “hug a hopper”. Within a few weeks the grasshopper has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers, and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching England's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press, and Shami Chakrabarti, blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and the grasshopper’s traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them that there were mice in the UK.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

Funny but very close to the truth.

<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/par-ty.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":cheers" border="0" alt="par-ty.gif" />
damski.
 
Overheard on a bus this morning, as a mother attempted to educate her young son about British politics:

Mother: The head of the government is the Prime...
Son: ... Evil.

<!--sizeo:1--><span style="font-size:8pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->(Background: there's a TV series called "Primeval" which the kid has probably been watching.)<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />
 
<img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="xD:" border="0" alt="laugh.gif" />


"I love robbing the English, their so polite."
- Kevin Kline (A Fish Called Wanda)
 
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